


That Spark Ain't Coming Back

by dawniekins18



Category: Queer as Folk (US)
Genre: Health Issues, M/M, Not evil ethan, Protective Brian
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-01-14
Updated: 2016-03-21
Packaged: 2018-03-07 13:52:23
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 15,284
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3175366
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dawniekins18/pseuds/dawniekins18
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Things get a lot harder than Justin thought they would when he leaves Brian.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter One

“I am just going to take a semester or two off, Mom, it’s no big deal.” Justin sighs as he lies on the bed with one hand rubbing his eyes, the other holding the phone to his ear. “Yeah, I know it will fuck up my insurance, but amazingly enough, the fucking pills cost a bit less than a $40,000 yearly educational fee. Ethan and I discussed it, I’ll be fine.” Another sigh of slight frustration, “yeah, I’ll be over this weekend. Love you too.”

Justin hangs up the phone with a grunt of annoyance.

“She’s not pleased, I take it?” Ethan asks while giving him a sympathetic look.

“Understatement of the year, but she’ll get over it. I’ve disappointed her before, and I am sure I will again.”

Ethan walks away from the laundry he was folding and climbs on the bed to lay next to him.

“If I could, I would pay a million dollars for you to go to school.”

Justin snorts but smiles when he feels Ethan take his hand and squeeze.

“I know. That’s why I love you. But don’t worry, this will be fine. Together we can afford this place, and I’ll just have to work a couple extra shifts at the diner to make the money for the thousand pills I need. And not going to class will make it that much easier. Who knew getting bashed would be so expensive?”

“What about your allergy stuff, and the Epipen?”

“I don’t really need all that allergy crap. And I have an emergency Epipen. I should be fine.”

Ethan looks at him worriedly, but Justin gives him a confident smile.

“Don’t worry; I can take care of it. Now where were we?”

Justin lets out a loud laugh as Ethan rolls on top of him, tickling all the way.

 

+++++++++++++++++++++++++

 

Justin was feeling a little stuffy a week later as he served up breakfast at the Liberty Diner. His allergy pills had just ran out a day or two before, and he knew he’d be feeling bad for a week or two until his body adjusted. Sneezing was still worth saving a couple hundred dollars a month.

“What’s up with you Sunshine? Did you catch a cold?” Deb’s concerned eyes follow him as he grabs a coffee pot for table five.

Not wanting the information about his medication issues reaching his mom, he does what any good mama’s boy would do. Lies like the devil.

“Yup, Ethan’s apartment is a little chilly, and working here so much must be putting a little strain on the immune system. Also, we were dusting and vacuuming yesterday, and my allergies might be a little out of whack. I switched medications, and the new ones are taking awhile to kick in.”

“Why would you do that?” Deb’s voice follows him across the diner.

“Name brand is expensive.”

“Can the little fiddler not afford heat?”

Brian’s sarcastic voice reaches Justin, and he flinches. Asshole or not, there are still some feelings there. Probably too many feelings.

“It’s an old building.” Justin say with smile firmly placed on his face as he pours coffee into Brian and Michael’s cups.

“And switching medications? Trouble in paradise?”

Brian’s bat like ears can be fucking annoying.

“Well, I do have a lot of pills to buy.” Justin attempts to maintain an even tone.

“What the fuck is the insurance company doing?” Deb’s shouts right in Justin’s ear.

“I don’t have insurance.”

Three pairs of eyes stare at him, wide with shock.

“Why the fuck not?” Brian’s voice was very low and angry as he looks at Justin.

“I’m taking a semester off, and my dad was itching to drop me anyways, so that’s how that went down.”

“But Sunshine, what about your seizure pills, and the migraine medication, and all that shit your mother talks about with those insane allergies of yours, and that emergency inhaler you need, and the fucking Epipen… when you lived with me I had to listen to your mom go on for an hour about all that shit.”

Brian, Michael, and Deb all wait expectantly for his answer.

“Um... It’s complicated, but I’m working it out.”

“Not good enough Sunshine, Mama Deb here needs all the details.” Brian’s eyes are watching him closely as he tries to figure out how to respond.

“You’re not just not taking them are you?” Michael asks slowly, and Brian’s eyes narrow even more when Justin doesn’t immediately respond.

“Of course not, but the allergy thing is grossly exaggerated by my mother, so I really don’t need all that shit, and I haven’t had a migraine in months that a Tylenol couldn’t fix, so really it’s no big deal, I’m just down to the basic necessities. I’m fine, I promise.”

“You’re allergic to Tylenol.” Brian’s voice is even but his eyes are angry.

“It’s an expression. “ Justin feels his ‘everything’s awesome’ smile wan just a tad.

“I didn’t know you were taking time off school. What does your mother think about all this?” Deb asks after sending a ‘fuck off’ to the loudly whining table eight.

“She’s pissy but dealing. I’m going back to work now. I’m fine Deb, I promise.”

Justin makes his rounds with the coffee. He is only mildly aggravated when he realizes over an hour later that Brian left him a thirty dollar tip.

He calls the school the next day to tell them he’s not coming, so if anyone tries to pay for the semester, give them the fucking money back.

He's strong. He can handle this. 

++++++++++++++++

 

“Hey blue eyes, how was your day?” Ethan climbs into the bed where Justin is sleeping off a massive migraine a couple weeks later. He is also under five blankets because they’re keeping the heat extra low so he can pay for the fucking crap that is keeping his hand semi-under control.

“Not good,” he moans as Ethan wraps his arms around him.

“Why?”

“Headache.”

The feeling of Ethan’s nimble fingers working his neck makes him groan in relief.

“You want me to get you some of the pain relievers?”

“All out, I took the last ones awhile ago.”

“How about some over the counter stuff?”

“We’re broke, and I don’t feel like playing the ‘will Justin break out in hives’ game today. Just stay here with me for awhile, it’s almost over. “

Ethan kisses his head and gently rubs his neck for an hour until Justin passes out for the night.

++++++++++++++++

 

The next day, Justin is exhausted and has a double shift that’s not gonna help with dwindling throb still aching behind his temples. The minor wheeze he’s recently developed makes him wonder if that inhaler really was total bullshit. But they need the money too badly for him to play hooky, so he’s even a little early for his 6:00 a.m. shift. Luckily Deb’s not working; her loud voice might have brought the migraine back full force instead of the half mast pain he’s feeling now.

He works for two hour and only groans slightly when he sees Brian and the boys come in. He’s too sick to play the ‘Justin’s great!’ show today, but he gives it his best go.

“Hey guys, what can I get you?”

They all order coffee, and he goes to grab the pot, not noticing Brian’s eyes focused on him. On his way back he has a hand spasm, which always seems to happen when he’s tired, or at the most inopportune time.

“Fuck!” He yells as the steaming hot coffee splashes his legs. Silence. Everyone in the diner stares at him.

“Sorry everybody, it’s gonna be minute for your coffee, I’m a bit of a klutz today.” A few laughs, and the noise level returns to normal, except at one table where the eyes are still on him as he reaches down to pick up the larger glass shards.

“What the fuck Justin? You look like shit and now you’re dropping coffee all over the fucking place.” Brian’s voice is stern while he grabs Justin’s arm and makes him sit down in the booth, next to him, and trapped on the inside.

“I have to clean that up, someone could fall. I also have tables that would like their food hot.”

“The busboy’s got it, and Kiki’s doing fine getting orders out. Tell us what’s up baby, you don’t look like yourself.” Emmett says giving Justin a worried look, and Michael and Ted nod in agreement. Brian stays quiet but won’t move despite Justin practically kicking him in the ribs.

“Nothing’s wrong. I just had a headache last night, and I’m still feeling it a bit. I’m fine.”

“Headache or migraine?” Brian says while examining Justin’s tired face.

“What’s the difference? My head hurt, and now it doesn’t. I need to get back to work.”

“The difference is a headache hurts, but the last migraine of your's I saw, you were in bed for two days in pain with that special medication the doctor gave you. You said you don’t have that anymore, but now you’re at work in twelve hours?” Brian’s disbelief is evident.

“That was awhile ago, they’re much better now.”

“And what the fuck is up with that noise you’re making? Are you wheezing?”

“No.”

“That’s what it sounds like,” Ted intervenes causing Brian to shift his focus enough for Justin to make his break, climbing over the back of the booth.

“Kiki will get you’re orders, I have to make a call.”

Justin disappears into the break room. The wheeze is starting to hurt and before he knows it, he’s sitting on the couch having a mild asthma attack. Apparently, that fucking medication did have a real use to it. Luckily, he has still has a working inhaler with him that he uses while trying to figure out what to do. 

Things aren't really working out like he'd hoped. 

He hears the door open and feels a familiar weight drop next to him on the couch.

“I am not going to let you kill yourself after I went to all that fucking trouble saving your ass.”

Justin keeps breathing slowly trying to bring air back through to his lungs.

“I am not killing myself.” He manages to gasp out between puffs.

“Sure.” Brian’s voice is sarcastic as he looks pointedly at the inhaler. “Look Sunshine, I am going to write you a check for a thousand dollars. You’re going to get heat in that shitty apartment where you and Ian are staying, and then you’re going to go buy the fucking medication you’re supposed to be taking. When you run out, you’re going to tell me. You will stop being such a twat and grow the fuck up.”

Justin feels his blood boil. Nothing pisses him off more than when Brian tells him what he’s doing. He feels his breathing return to almost normal and takes the inhaler out of his mouth.

“Fuck you. I don’t want your goddamn money, or holier than thou attitude. Yes, I am struggling, but I am fine. Back the fuck off, and don’t you dare tell me to grow up because you make it your fucking job to do the exact opposite.” Justin sighs angrily and almost immediately feels guilty. Brian is just trying to help. Even if he's being a complete ass about it. 

“Thank you for the offer, but I can take care of myself. Now get back to your table, this area is employees only.”

Brian doesn’t move immediately. “If you want to make this difficult, fine.” He gets up and slams out the door.

Justin doesn’t know what he means by that, but he’s sure it’s gonna be a fucking pain. If only he didn’t still kinda love the bastard, it would make this all so much easier.

It would definitely make the knight and shining armor routine way less endearing. 

But they've done this before. Brian's guilt and Justin's adoration can only carry them so far. 

They need to stop falling in that trap, and if Justin has to be the strong one this time, he can do it.

He need to fucking save himself. 


	2. Chapter Two

+++++++++++++++++

Justin doesn't get over his breathing trouble, Ethan starts to get worried and hovery.

“You sound sick… maybe we should borrow some money…”

Ethan’s sweet dark brown eyes follow Justin around the room while he gets ready for his third diner shift in 48 hours.

“From who? Everyone we know is just as broke as we are.”

“I don’t know. Maybe a small loan from a bank or something, and I don’t really think you should be going to work like this. You were up all night trying to catch your breath, you look exhausted. We should be going to the ER; you cannot be on your feet all night.”

“A bank is never in a million year going to give me and you a loan. And the ER costs money, and I’m not that sick. I’ll have some hot tea before work and I’ll be fine.”

“Then we’re going to the clinic tomorrow. No more objections, and if they say what I think they’re going to say, we’re going to have to figure something out.” Ethan has a determined look on his face, and Justin can tell it’s going to take a lot of work to get out of this clinic trip. Also he didn’t know what they were going to be able to figure out.

Any idiot can tell that this is basically fucked.

If there is anything to be figured out, he'll do it. Ethan doesn't need this. No one does. 

+++++++++++

The diner is at least warm as Justin walks in under three layers of clothes. After stumbling through the blizzard outside to get here to start the night shift, he is not surprised to see the diner is almost dead, save a few people scattered around drinking coffee and finishing up meals.

“Justin! Thank God you’re here! I need to get home and take a hot soak!” Kiki’s voice is loud and excited. She gives Justin a peck on the cheek while putting on her coat, “Sweetie, you feel a little warm, but don’t worry Deb will be in at 5:00 am, and she’ll let you leave before the breakfast rush. Things should stay pretty dead, make yourself some tea or coffee and relax!”

With a wave and a pat on the head she makes her escape out the door, and Justin resigns himself to a night alone in the diner. He heads over to the counter and makes himself a cup of tea before refilling some coffees and taking care of some checks. Soon, he is alone in the place at 2:00 a.m. while Ernie the cook is passed out on the couch in the back.

It won’t be long until the small hustler crowd will roll in, but the usual after clubbing crowd hasn’t appeared. Apparently a blizzardy Tuesday night doesn’t scream Babylon to most people.

Justin collapses in a booth with warm tea in hand and takes a sip letting the hot liquid sooth his painfully scratchy throat. He is most certainly getting sick. There he admitted it despite his reassurances to Ethan.

And if he's going to be perfectly honest, he is getting really sick. He had pneumonia once as a child, and how he's feeling right now, feels very similar to that. His finger tips have also been turning blue off and on for the past week during the times when it felt particularly hard to breath.

His struggle to breath is putting a strain on his heart. He's smart enough to know this issue has a time limit before he's going to need some real help.

He's fucked.

And the worst part is that Brian knows it too. His eyes have been following Justin around as he hasn't recovered from that beginning asthma attack. 

He's been coming in daily and leaving ridiculously large tips. A hundred dollar here, fifty dollars there, but Justin has been splitting it with the busboys. He can't take the guilt money. One of them has to be strong now.

 

And the money is a game, reminding him of what he lost. A punishment for leaving before Brian could kick him out. And this time, Justin wasn’t going to let him play him like this.

He can punish himself better than Brian ever could. 

Justin puts down the cup. He can just close his eyes for a minute…

“Wake up Sunshine!”

Justin jerks awake like he’s been tazed to see Brian, Michael, Ted, and Emmett all staring down at him like he is an exhibit at a zoo.

“What the fuck are you guys doing here?” Justin looks around with confusion at the diner where he must have dozed off.

“Well it was the leather ball, and Brian wouldn’t let us miss it despite the fifteen expected inches of snow that are falling from the sky as we speak.” Ted’s voice is sarcastic, as always.

“I wouldn’t let Mikey miss it, you two were just extras.”

“Oh you big old softy, you know you wanted us there.” Emmett says in his good-nature tone while Brian rolls his eyes.

“I’ll get you guys’ some coffee.” Justin crawls out of the booth, only to be hit with a surprise coughing fit that sends him reeling. His temperature feels like it rose while he nodded off.

“I’m good, just a cold,” he manage to grind out when he sees the guys exchange looks. It won't do them any good to know how sick he is right now. The clinic is going to have to be a thing. He was hoping his fever would break. Wishful thinking with his fucking luck.

“Sweetie, you’re sounding a little rough; I can take you to the doctor later when you’re off work.” Emmett’s voice is as kind as ever, and Justin can tell he's concerned.

“No need. Ethan and I are heading to the clinic when Deb comes to relieve me.”

Justin doesn’t mention that he won't be able to afford whatever they suggest. The less worrisome Emmett and annoying Brian knew- the better. He still has time to fight this off before it's serious. 

“What clinic?” Brian is staring at Justin fever flushed faced intently.

“I don’t know…the free one?”

“No fucking way are you going to that dive!” Brian’s voice is loud and Michael and Ted both give him looks of amazement.

“Jeez Brian, chill, that place is fine. I’ve been there plenty of times and never had a problem.” Michael’s voice is wary as finally he takes his seat and removes his coat.

Ted and Emmett make noises of agreement and also make themselves comfortable in the booth.

Brian sits down slowly, and Justin eyes him suspiciously before going to get the coffee cup and to give Ernie a shake or two to get back to the kitchen now that they have customers.

What the fuck was that all about? Justin knows Brian is worried, but he's usually better about hiding shit like that. Especially in front of the boys. 

“OK, what will it be?”

Justin’s hand is a little shaky as he writes down their orders from burgers to breakfast, depending on their moods. Brian, of course, sticks with just coffee.

As he stands behind the counter his back to the group, making himself some more tea, he feels Brian come up behind him and take a seat.

“Justin…” Brian’s voice is soft and soothing and Justin turns around, tea in hand, with a confused look on his face.

“Yeah?”

“Are you fucking sleeping at all? You look worse than a twink with a crystal problem.” Despite the harsh words, Brian’s voice is smooth like honey and Justin feels his resolve begin to shake. He always was a fucking drama princess, and he keeps his head down so Brian won’t see his defeated expression. 

He just not good at this. Being his own support, leaning on himself. Not that Ethan isn't there, but Brian...

These thoughts are useless, he's can do this. 

“I’m just…struggling, Brian. It happens. And unlike most people, I have a multitude of health issues, so struggles are just felt a little more. But I'll be fine. You don't have to worry so much.”

Justin lifts his arm to cough into it, and he sees Brian’s eyes widen in shock at seeing his fingers.

“Your fingers are fucking blue. Get in the car now. We are going to the hospital.”

Before Justin can work up the energy to fight him, Brian has his coat and pushes him out the door, leaving Michael in charge of the diner, and the boys calling out 'get well soon', mostly looking relieved at Brian's actions.

“Brian…” Justin’s voice is slightly annoyed as Brian speeds his way toward the hospital.

“Shut up Sunshine, blue fingers means hospital. I can’t believe the fucking fiddler hasn’t taken you sooner.”

“Maybe because he actually listens to me instead of just barking orders,” Justin’s sounds tense and angry, but bringing Ethan into his health issues isn’t fair. Just like it wasn’t fair when he did it to Brian, and look how that turned out.

"I know what it is, it might resolve itself. I kinda know more about my own health than you. You don't need to freak out." 

"If by knowing more, you mean making stupid, reckless choices- I agree. And I haven't even begun to freak out on your stupid ass, so just shut the fuck up for now," 

They sit in angry silence; the only sound is Justin’s continuously labored breathing. He notices Brian speed up a little more, but doesn’t comment.

“What happened to the jeep?”

“Lease ran out.”

Justin nods in understanding. Figures that Brian would by a car shaped like a penis…

+++++++++++

“Ok Mr. Taylor, we are going to have to run some tests. Is there anyone you would like us to call?”

The doctor and Brian both look at him expectantly.

“No, I’m good, but I’m leaving at 7:00 a.m., tests or no tests.” He tries to make his voice sound threatening, but the nurse beside him putting in the IV (because he apparently dehydrated or something) just giggles, and on her way out he hears her say the words “adorable” and “angel” to the doctor. Stupid blond hair.

“Sure Justin, we’ll do our best, just try and get some rest. You could use it.” The doctor also leaves, giving him a slightly patronizing smile. He hates looking like such a fucking twelve year old.

Brian has been suspiciously quiet since he yelled in the car, and Justin gives him a questioning look.

“Why didn’t you tell them to call what’s his face or your mom?”

“We're having phone issues, and mom would flip. And you know his name, stop doing that.”

Brian gives him an innocent look like he doesn’t know what he means.

“We’ll Sunshine; I’m thinking things aren’t looking good. They checked you in pretty fast for someone who is ‘fine’ and managing their condition, they seem to be giving you also of ‘not fine’ attention.”

“Probably just because I have an extensive medical history, they would check me in that fast for a hangnail.”

Brian gives him a disbelieving look but doesn’t comment.

“Well, I can’t leave you here alone if you refuse to call anyone…”

“I’ll manage.”

“Sure, you’ll just walk home alone after being in the hospital while a foot of snow falls outside.”

“I can take the bus.”

Brian ignores that suggestion and makes himself as comfortable as possible in the hard, unforgiving hospital chair.

Justin finds it a little ironic that when he’s in the hospital wanting Brian to leave him alone, the bastard won’t go. But a little over a year ago, when he wished and prayed for Brian to come, he never did.

So is life with Brian Kinney, he can’t say he wasn’t warned. Repeatedly, by every single person who knows him. 

Justin fiddles with the bed, TV, and his IV for a good twenty minutes before Brian loses his patience.

“That’s it. Enough stalling.” Brian takes control and moves everything out of his reach, - putting the bed down so Justin is lying on his back.

“Go to sleep Sunshine, I’ll wake you up if you have a nightmare.”

Justin rolls over to hide his embarrassment that Brian saw right through him. But then again, they had played this game before back in the loft. Justin was always just going to get one more glass of water… Brian eventually would just put his arms around him, declaring it ‘bedtime’, so Justin couldn’t make his escape. And as he promised, he always woke him up when the nightmares came.

His eyes are drifting shut and after two restless nights, Justin slips into sleep easily, calmed by Brian's familiar presence.

Just before he completely drifts off, he feels a gentle hand in his hair and hears a whispered “Sunshine.”

++++++++++++++++++

“From what can tell, from your weight loss, lung condition, and blue tinged finger tips and toes, is that you have a nasty case of pneumonia, and something about your change in location is causing your conditional asthma to act up nastily. Do you live in an older building, do you guys vacuum regularly?”

“Yeah we vacuum almost daily, but the place is pretty old and dusty…”

The doctor nods like that was what he expected to hear and Brian is just pacing the room looking increasingly worried, especially after the word, pneumonia was uttered.

That's why Justin hadn't mentioned his own diagnosis of his condition in the car. Brian does not do well with less than stellar medical situations.

“We are going to have to start you on some strong antibiotics, and get you on some oxygen immediately. Based on your lung function, I’d say you’re going to have to stay here for at least a few days, and you’re lucky I’m not moving you to the ICU.”

“What about his migraines? He hasn’t been taking all his prescribed medication.”

Justin shoots Brian glare, but Brian and the doctor are ignoring Justin as they discuss him like he’s not even in the room.

“He’ll have to get over this infection, and then will start introducing the other medications back into his system, to stop this from happening again. Based on this, I’d say wherever he is living isn’t suitable, and he’s going to have to move back into a newer building where the heating and dust conditions are better.”

“Ok, this is getting out of control, I am leaving.”

Justin is up and out of the bed quicker than either of them expected. And he’s slid his IV out without a problem, making the fiddling before he fell asleep worth it.

“Where are my clothes? I need to get home, this is bullshit. Talking about me like I’m a child,” Justin mutters to himself while searching around the room for the bag of his personal items.

Before he can find it however, he feels someone's strong arms around him and a needle prick into his arm. His legs suddenly feel weak and he is being lifted up by what appears to be Brian. This isn’t the first time he’s been forcefully sedated, considering some of his larger freak outs after the bashing, so he tries to fight it.

Brian lays him gently back on the bed, “Damn, you have lost weight.”

Justin attempts to respond but he’s gone under the veil of drugs before he can.


	3. Chapter 3

+++++++++++++++++  
Justin wakes up to a discussion. A loud one.

“How come you didn’t call us? If Sunshine is in the hospital, it's not that hard to pick up the fucking phone!”

Fuck. Deb. Like this couldn’t get any worse.

“Calm down, Ma. It was late. Brian probably just wanted him to be able to get some sleep which from the looks of it, we’re disturbing.”

Justin meets Michael’s eyes as he shifts in the bed and gives him a wry smile. The both of them have the most experience in dealing with a worried Deb. He rarely has opportunities to feel grateful toward Michael, but ever since Brian punched him at Melanie and Lindsay’s party, he has been downright bearable to Justin, nice even. 

“How are you feeling, sweetie?” Deb sounds like she’s about to crawl up the walls.

“Better, Deb, what are all you guys doing here?” Justin removes the annoying oxygen mask that feels like it’s left an indent in his face. He also gets a better look around the room as he rises up the hospital bed to see not only Deb, Michael, and Brian in the room, but also his mom and Daphne. 

“Sorry Justin, Emmett let it slip why I was holding down the diner this morning and mom called in all the troops to be here this afternoon. Ted, Emmett, and Lindsay are in the waiting room with Gus, they only allow a couple of us in at a time.” Michael’s voice is sympathetic. 

“Where’s Ethan?” Justin hate how raspy and sick he sounds, and pathetic. If everyone else is here, they could have at least found a way to tell his boyfriend, despite the fact he hadn’t wanted to. He hadn’t wanted to tell anybody, but that obviously has been shot to hell.

“Melanie went to pick him up. There is something wrong with your phones.” His mom’s voice sounds worried and she moves closer to his bed to stroke his hair.

“Um yeah, we’re switching to a cheaper plan.” The lie rolls easy of his tongue, but Brian’s eyes accusingly meet his. Luckily he doesn’t say anything.

“Hiya Justin, how are you feeling this morning?” The evil sedative wielding doctor from the night before walks into his hospital room, chart in hand.

“Much better. Great in fact. Let’s get the discharge rolling.” Unfortunately he ends the sentence with a body wracking cough. Nobody looks convinced and Brian moves in to reapply the mask laying forgotten in his lap.

“Well, I need everybody to clear out except for Justin and…” The doctor consults his paperwork, “his emergency contact and partner, Brian Kinney.”

Everyone in the room eyes widen in shock and their heads turn to look at either him or Brian.

Fuck. How could he have forgotten to change that to Ethan or even back to his mom?  
“  
Um he can leave too. That’s old information. I would rather hear this alone.” Justin pulls the stupid mask away, still breathing roughly.

“Now now Sunshine, as a committed partner, I refuse to leave you alone in your time of need.” Brian say moving Justin’s hand away from the mask to let it do its job, and he makes himself comfortable in a chair as everyone else files out, whispering amongst themselves, most likely about this recent plot twist in the saga that is Brian and Justin. His mom kisses his forehead and leaves with the rest of them. Traitor that she is. When did she switch to Team Brian?

Justin opens his mouth to protest, but the doctor is looking like he is about to make a break if he doesn’t get to say his shpeel soon. 

“Fine, whatever. Please continue,” Justin says shooting glares at Brian and he messes defiantly with the mask, the sarcastic overbearing dick.

The doctor closes the door and again consults his chart. 

“Well, it is not great news. Your lung function has not improved like we hoped it would over the past twelve hours or so, and your fever is still higher than we would like. I recommend you stay here the next 48 to 72 hours and let the medication help. If you don’t improve, we might need to use more aggressive forms of treatment that would require you to remain here in the hospital for a week or possible more.” The doctor’s tone is casual, like he doesn’t realize he is fucking up Justin’s entire life and budget.

“Also, based on the fast degeneration you experienced while off your medications, when you improve, we are going to have to reintroduce a majority of them back into your system, especially your inhalers and pain medications.” The doctor finally looks up, giving Justin a chance to respond.

“This all sounds expensive. I don’t have that kind of money.” Justin says and fiddles with the hospital ID bracelet around his wrist, already planning his escape. The mask is once again in his lap. 

“We have insurance listed for you from your previous stay about a year ago…” the doctor sounds confused.

“That is not valid anymore. I don’t have insurance, I can’t afford this. Please make up the discharge papers and write me a prescription. I can lay around at home for a lot cheaper.”

The doctor looks conflicted for a minute but then nods. Not having insurance dramatically changes thing for someone like Justin, who has absolutely no savings and a shit job. 

“What the fuck?” Brian voice booms out and both Justin and the doctor jump. They had forgotten about him. He moves in again and puts the mask back on Justin. Control freak. He then turns on the doctor. “Last night, you were saying he could die if he left too soon, but now that he doesn’t have insurance, you’re just going to throw him out on his ass?” 

“Um Brian, I just told him to discharge me.”

“You, shut the fuck up and leave that mask alone, I’ve heard enough out of you.” Brian’s voice is dangerous and Justin’s mouth snaps shut and moves his hand away from the mask on his face. Pissed off Brian is a force to be reckoned with. 

“The patient is over eighteen, and understands his financial situation better than I do. It’s my job to do what’s best for my patient. If he can’t afford the treatment, we can come up with a home care plan that should do the trick.” This doctor spews bullshit like the best of them, but Brian appears to see through it.

“He’s listed as my partner, I have money and insurance. Treat his ungrateful ass or I will make you regret the day you got into med school.” The doctor moves quickly away from the fuming Brian and nods. 

“I will send someone in to get him started on an oxygen tube with a higher flow since the mask is so cumbersome. We’re hoping that will let us see a little improvement.” The doctor retreats out of the room. 

“What the fuck was that?” Justin throws a pillow at Brian’s stupid head, and takes the mask off his face in preparation for the tube. That will probably be fucking annoying too. 

“That was me saving your ass.” Brian flops back down into one of the chairs, glaring at Justin.

“I can save my own ass, thank you very much. And he never said I was going to die, you drama queen.”

“He said you were deteriorating rapidly, where do you think that leads? Disneyland? And for the past two months you have been being a total twat. You need help. Except it, move on, get the fuck over it.” 

“I am staying here exactly 48 hours. I will pay you back.” Justin rearranges himself into a more comfortable position, cursing his horrible health, luck, Chris Hobbes, and the world.

“Whatever Sunshine, we will see.”

They stare each other down for a full minute before someone burst through the door. 

"Oh my god, baby, are you ok? I told you we should have gone to the hospital! I was worried sick, and without a phone, I didn’t want to leave in case you came back.” Ethan is kissing his face and talking at the same time.

“What is he doing here?” Ethan finally sees Brian, and his eyes narrow.

“Looking after your boyfriend apparently, do you always let him leave the house when his extremities are turning blue? Or just when your peddling leaves you really hurting for cash and you need him to pay the bills?”

“What was turning blue?” Ethan’s eyes worriedly scan his hands, noticing the slight blueness still residing. He then gives Justin a helpless look. “Why didn’t you tell me?”

“I’m sorry. I just…well…I didn’t want you to worry. I’m fine; I will be out of here in no time.” 

Brian snorts.

“In a couple of days.” Justin corrects without turning his attention away from Ethan.

Ethan suddenly turns on Brian, finally registering the rest of what he had said.

“I also work at Target, asshole. We just have a lot of expenses with Justin’s bad health and how high rent is in the city.”

“Drop it you guys, I would really like it if you wouldn’t fight. I am sick, it’s no one’s fault but my own, and I’ll get better. Let’s avoid getting out the measuring sticks.” Justin rubs his eyes, tired already despite only being awake for the past 45 minutes.

A nurse then walks in with a new bag for is IV, and puts an oxygen feed into his nose. It’s uncomfortable, but Ethan swats his hand and Brian glares whenever he attempts to play with it.

“Alright visiting hours are over, only family can stay.” Deb says leading the group back in the room. After many a hugs and kisses, especially big ones from a sleepy Gus, only his mom, Brian, and Ethan remain.

“Sorry sweetie, I need to go get Molly. I will be back first thing in the morning after I drop her off at school.” His mom kisses him on the cheek and heads out too.

“Well Ian, we will see you tomorrow also.” Brian’s voice is smug and Justin gears himself for a fight.

“What?” Ethan’s eyes are confused.

“I am listed as his partner, so you are not immediate family. Don’t worry I’ll look after him for the night.”

“I forgot to change it, and we lived together for a year.” Justin explains to Ethan’s questioning look. “We can take care of it tomorrow.”

“Alright,” Ethan’s voice is tight, but he gives Justin a long, lingering kiss before leaving with promises to be there first thing in the AM when visiting hours begin.  
“  
We’ll I don’t know about you, but I thought he would never leave. Some people just cannot take a hint.” Brian sounds cheery as he takes the remote and control of the small TV.

“Ok, you proved your point, and he is gone, you can leave too. You won whatever silly game you’re goading him into, but I am tired of playing. And you know is fucking name, stop doing that.” Justin’s voice is annoyed. He is tired of Brian’s affection being used as a tool because he is mad at Justin and therefore Ethan. He is like a kid who lost his favorite toy on the playground and now wants it back just to say it’s his. Justin has seen this play out time and time again with Michael and David, and then Michael and Ben. 

“I’m not leaving.” Brian’s voice is surprisingly sincere. “I like hospitals at night.” The corners of his mouth turn up at some private joke Justin isn't in on. 

“Brian, you don’t have to stay.”

“Shut up Sunshine, you hate hospitals and you need someone with you. Here I am. Now go to sleep so I can watch the news in peace.”

Justin closes his eyes and starts to drift off to sleep, confused about the events of the day. His hand reaches up to mess with the oxygen tube now that Brian is distracted…

“Leave it alone.”

Damn. 

Still it has been a weird day. He wishes…he wishes Brian had been more like he is now when they were together. But inside he knows, he is just acting this way because they are not. 

Brian can’t do relationship. He also can’t do losing. This game of tug a war will continue until Brian feels like he has Justin or Justin is not longer worth having. Then Justin will get hurt, again. Just like Michael. Justin promised himself he would never be a Michael, and Brian isn’t going to win this one. 

He feels a hand stroking his hair softly, and he leans into it.

Then again, maybe he will. Fucking Brian Kinney isn't known for losing.


	4. Chapter Four

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> One of the most annoying things in this fandom is getting Brian Kinney to do what you want him to do while having him stay within the scope of his character. It's nearly impossible- I hope I managed to toe that line.

Justin wakes to blissfully empty hospital room. He hasn't been alone in what feels like weeks, but it's really only been about two days. 

His time in the hospital has felt never ending. It feels like he'll never escape this constant reminder of the bashing, of his weakness, of the his burden on other people. 

He reaches his hand up to his face, the annoying oxygen tube is still in his nose. He fiddles with it and takes in his surroundings after wiping the sleep out of his eyes. From the looks of the the rising sun outside, it's early morning. The bed next to his is empty, probably a calculated move from the nurses. They've seen his family. Brian also nearly took of the head of the night nurse when she had to try for a third time on his IV. He guaranteed Justin a private room with that move. 

Brian must have left after he fell asleep last night. Justin looks around the room, noting that his coat is gone. Brian must have work today. He's been at the hospital a lot for someone who has a full-time, demanding job. He probably won't be back again. Especially now that Justin is taken care of. 

When that's assured, it's usually time for the Kinney disappearance act. 

Justin tries not to feel any disappointment at that realization, and nearly succeeds.

They both have more important things to do then linger over a failed relationship.

Like Justin focusing on getting discharged from this shit show.

He swings his legs over the side of the bed. He is feeling considerably better. And he has to piss. If he can make it to the bathroom, the exit can't be in the very distant future. He removes the oxygen from his nose. The IV, it appears, he's stuck with. 

His feet tentatively touch the ground, and he carefully rises. So far so good. His legs are moderately shaky, but the journey to the bathroom occurs without a massive incident despite his urge to lay down on the floor for three years. It takes a few extra minutes, but he does it. 

His hands shake, but he gets through his business and only almost falls on his face once. His reflection in the mirror stares at him for a long minute. Justin is almost ashamed at what he sees. He is too thin. He looks like shadow of his former self.

It would be easy to blame all of this on the outside circumstances, but it's not. It's him. And it all come to down to his failure to except an ugly truth.

His life is never going to be like it was before he got bashed.

He turns off the light before he opens the door. As he's attempting to drag his annoying IV with him, he sees a movement out of the corner of his eye.

"Jesus, Sunshine would it fucking kill you to call a nurse?" Brian is at his side, taking the IV and the majority of Justin's weight as he leads them back to the bed. Justin is ashamed of how hard he is breathing. He's exhausted by the short trip.

"It's fine. I'm fine."

"Yeah, this is fine." Brian sounds tired as he puts the shitty oxygen thing back on Justin's face. 

"Don't you have work? How's Stockwell gonna carry out his anti-homosexual agenda if you're always here with me?" He gasps out while taking in the new flow of oxygen.

"I'm sure he'll manage. And it's barely past seven, I've got plenty of time to destroy Pittsburgh after breakfast." Brian's tone is sarcastic but shockingly gentle. 

Justin looks him over now that he's caught his breath. Brian doesn't only sound tired, he looks it too. All this time he's wasting on Justin is catching up with him. How long was he here last night? 

And with all the time he needs for getting his dick sucked, he must be giving up sleeping. 

While Brian's never been one to waste a lot of hours on sleep, it's not logical for him to be sacrificing all this time. Especially for a guy who's basically nothing to him now.

Brian takes a seat in the chair next to him.

"Why are you here?"

"I don't know, Sunshine. I guess I like the smell, and all of the kind medical personnel who are so accepting."

"You need to work." Justin says, annoyed with the way Brian never acknowledges his questions. Not seriously. 

"If I want you to worry about my job, I'll make sure you know. If I want you to shut the fuck up about, I'll tell you."

"But,"- Justin starts.

"Shut the fuck up about it." 

They sit in silence for the next minute while Justin tries to figure out what Brian's angle is.

"I came by for morning rounds. I want to hear what your doctor has to say."

"You don't need to do that."

"Obviously I do, you don't seem to listen doctors when you're alone."

"Hey!"

"Well, truth hurts Sunshine. Someone needed to be here. Debs got the early shift, and your mom has to get her other spawn to school. So here I am."

"I can survive without you if you have to go." Justin can't believe they're managing him like this. Actually, he can believe it. He just doesn't understand why Brian is so involved. He did his part. He saved Justin. Again. 

"Not a chance. You can't be trusted. You'll be body building with pneumonia if left to your own devices."

"Good morning, Mr...Taylor." An older doctor walks in before Justin can deliver his comeback. It was a good one too, involving penis shaped cars and maturity. "How are we feeling?"

"Much better."

"He's still weak."

The doctor looks up from the chart and eyes the two of them. 

"Some weakness is to be expected over the next few weeks and maybe over a few months. Pneumonia is tricky. "

The doctor looks at the monitors by the bed and examines the chart again.

"Luckily your oxygen levels have improved greatly over the course of the night. And you seems to be responding to the new antibiotics. From your breath sounds earlier this morning, your lungs are clearing up as well as we could have hoped."

"Does that mean I can leave soon?"

The doctor looks up once again, but this time only focuses on Justin. "You've improved yes, but you are still a long way off from where you need to be. You're very lucky we didn't intubate you on Wednesday night. I know you're feeling better, but your condition is still very serious."

Justin fiddles with his blanket. "What do we do?"

"Well, you're going to need to be on oxygen for at least another day and a half from what I can tell. And I am still deciphering what prescriptions need to be reintroduced to your system. I don't want to overwhelm your body while it's in such a weakened state, but the antiseizure medication is something we need to do while you're being monitored. It can be potent but it's not something you should ever be without."

"Why not?"

The doctor turns to Brian after he voices the question. "It's dangerous for someone who has had head trauma and a grand mal seizure in the past to risk anymore head injury by not taking the medication. It's also the only way to help improve his lowered hand function. "

The doctor clears his throat. "I took this case on personally after the complaint was made against one of my residents. And I have to agree with you Mr. Kinney that he was mistaken to think Mr. Taylor would be able to recover in this state at home. I'd like to apologize personally."

"It's fine. Thank you." Justin replies. 

"No it's not. And you're lucky we aren't sueing his ass." 

"Jesus Brian, calm down. I'm here. It's fine. Let's move on."

The doctor looks uncomfortable, but thankfully takes Justin's suggestion and changes the subject.

"Ok, let's talk about what needs to happen before your release. Short term is clear lungs and higher oxygen levels."

Brian reaches in his briefcase and takes out a notepad. To take notes. Fucking hell. "And long term?" He asks.

"Weight. You are underweight which means you are not getting the nutrients you need to stay healthy. Or to heal. I'd like to get you back up to 145 pounds or at least a 140. So be aware of that when you're making food choices."

Justin nods along. He's been too busy and too poor. He'll make more of an effort.

"Housing is another issue. You really need to be staying somewhere with adequate heating and clean vents. Air quality is really important right now. It says here that this may be an issue?"

"I'll figure it out." Justin doesn't know what they'll do. But maybe Ethan will have an idea. He should be getting here soon. Hopefully right after Brian leaves if god is feeling merciful.

"Should I send someone to talk to you give some extra support?"

Justin can't help but roll his eyes. Like hell is he talking to another social worker or therapist. 

"No. My boyfriend will be here soon. I'll talk to him about it."

"Yeah, I'm sure he'll have bundle of excellent ideas. Maybe he can sell that fiddle." Brian uses that annoying superior tone of his. 

"Let's move on." Justin says when he sees the doctor looking uncomfortable again. 

The doctor then starts on the medication and restrictions portion of the conversation. The usual physical activity limitations and other bullshit that always comes with a hospital stay. And it's a good think Brian is playing studious right now because Justin can't find it in him to listen any more. And some of it might be useful at some point.

Weeks of recovery time. And having to find a new place to live. All while he won't be working. 

This is going to be great. Because Justin and Ethan were doing so excellent before all this.

This is shit. 

But what else is new.

"And of course you should invest in a humidifier and change the filters regularly."

"Of course." Justin acts like he's been listening all along.

"Good. I'll be around again this evening to go over more of the details. We'd like to get you out of here within the week. I want you at home and resting by Monday."

The doctor shakes Brian's hand and gives Justin a pat on the shoulder.

They sit in silence for a long moment after he walks out the door. 

"You should get to work."

"I'm not due at the office for a few hours. And Michael and Debbie we'll be here around eleven."

Great. They're tag teaming him now.

"You can still head out if you want. Ethan said he'd be here early."

"Ah, the shining star. We can await anxiously for his arrival together."

Justin feels his teeth grind in annoyance but doesn't respond. There's no point.

He has created this lovely situation he's found himself in. Might as well toughen up. He can play verbal volleyball with Brian some other time.

Brian turns on the TV and they spend the next hour and a half watching Good Morning America in relative silence.

"Seems he has still not found his way here, Sunshine." Brian finally says after the orderly brings in what must be breakfast- if you squint, it actually looks edible.

"Something probably came up. You don't need to be a prick."

"Just seems like odd behavior from someone who has committed themselves to you so completely at such a deep and spiritual level."

"Jesus. What do you want from me here, Brian? You want me to stay in the hospital, I'm in the hospital. Let's not get into this shit."

"I'm only curious to know if those things you needed so desperately from me are as important as you thought."

"I'm so sorry I'm late baby. The power..." Ethan, luckily, walks in and stops mid sentence when he spots Brian.

"Oh, hello Ian. We've been waiting."

"Ok Brian, thanks for keeping me company, you should get to work. I'm sure Debbie will be by soon. "

"Wait one second, Sunshine. Ethan was just about to tell us something about the power in that lovely little palace the two of you call home."

Ethan looks a mixture of annoyed and embarrassed. Justin's feeling about the same. Figures the power would get turned off, today of all days. They should have taken all those notices more seriously.

Maybe the power company would take blow jobs as payment?

"Small outage in the area. My alarm didn't go off."

"Sure." Brian sees through the lie. But he gets up anyway. "I'm going to grab a coffee. Seems like you two have oodles to talk about." He leans over to kiss the top of Justin's head and runs a hand through his hair. "Don't go anywhere Sunshine." He whispers so only Justin can hear.

They both wait until he's well out of earshot, and Ethan closes the door.

"He can't leave without putting on a show can he?" 

"Apparently not." Justin sighs. Tired from the nothing he's been doing all morning.

"Are you doing ok?"

"Yeah much better." Justin smiles at Ethan. While he was glad he didn't have to answer Brian's question about what he'd thought he wanted, it doesn't take away from his feelings for Ethan. He loves him. 

It's hard not to. They fit together. It's not as intense as his love for Brian, but it's solid and comforting.

It's real.

Ethan settles into the seat Brian just left. "The power got turned off."

"I figured."

Justin reaches out and Ethan takes his hand. Their finger easily intertwine.

"You're cold."

"What else is new?" Justin replies with a smile.

Ethan returns the smile, but his eyes are sad. "This isn't working is it?"

Justin feels his heart drop to his stomach.

"We may have hit a few roadblocks."

"I think the fact our relationship has put you in the hospital is more than a roadblock."

"Don't be a Drama Queen."

"I'm not. This is serious, Justin."

"I know it is."

"Do you? Do you have any idea how worried I've been? How sick you were? I couldn't even get you to go to a fucking clinic and now you're in the hospital, and people have been talking about breathing machines, and stress on your heart, and I'm sitting there like the goddamn idiot who suggested the free clinic."

"Don't. It was me. I did this. I didn't want you to know how bad it was. I thought I could make it better alone." 

"Why? Don't you trust me?" Ethan's face is breaking Justin's heart. 

"I do. I promise. I just... I wanted it to be ok."

Ethan caresses Justin's hand. "I think I let you down. You're so sick, and I kept on like everything would work out. Like some stupid dream, or fairy tale."

"No. That's what I wanted. We were a fairy tale. I guess reality needed to catch up with us."

"What do we do?" Ethan reaches out and traces the outline of his mouth. His touch is soft and comforting. Like he is. That's what Ethan's always been. A comfort.

"I don't know."

"When can you come home?"

"The doctor says next week. But apparently our apartment isn't a good fit or something. I might have to stay somewhere else for a while."

"Where?"

"I don't know. Daphne, I think. I guess my mom or Debbie would work too. Or we can move?"

Ethan looks to the ground.

"I don't think we can afford anywhere else."

"Yeah, I figured. We'll work it out. I'll be better soon."

"Your doctor said it could be awhile yesterday. Your mom called me."

Justin jerks his head in surprise. "What did she say?"

"She said we needed to rethink our arrangement."

"What does that mean?" Justin can only imagine what else she said. After all this. After the things she's said to Brian in the past, it's anyone's guess. 

"I've been offered a thing in Europe. For my music. It's an all expenses paid fellowship. And I'm thinking it would be best for us if... I took it....." Ethan stops and leans in to kiss him. Justin returns the kiss willingly. 

"You should go. This isn't fair to you. You've helped me so much, and been there for me in ways no one ever has. So much." Justin whispers into Ethan's shoulder as he holds him. 

"It's gonna be ok."

 

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

When Brian comes back forty-five minutes later, coffee in hand, Ethan's already gone. 

"Where's lover boy?"

"He has class and work."

"Ah yes, Target. Such a use of his...talents."

"Everybody has a day job."

"It seems even geniuses." 

Justin doesn't take the bait. He keeps his expression calm as flips through the horrible daytime TV. But Brian must see something there because he comes over to the bed and bullies him into scooching over. 

"That's better. The chairs here are fucking torture."

Justin rolls his eyes but can't help but lean into his warm, solid weight.

"So the way I see you have three choices- Daphne, Debbie, or Mother Taylor."

"I guess."

"Or, there is my place."

Justin laughs from his position on Brian's chest. "You don't mean that."

"I wouldn't say it if I didn't mean it."

"Sure. Then there is the option you forgot to mention. The one where I jump off the roof and put us all out of this misery."

Brian's hand comes out of no where and grabs his chin. Forcing him to make eye contact.

"Look at me."

Justin reluctantly lifts his eyes.

"Never say that again. Don't even fucking joke about it."

Justin nods his head, and Brain releases him, stroking his hand through his hair in a soothing motion. 

"You're going to be fine."

It's unclear who he's trying to reassure.

 

+++++++++++++++

When Justin wakes up again, Debbie is doing a crossword to his left and Michael is reading comic on his right.

"Hey there, Sunshine!" Debbie smiles when she sees his eyes open. 

"What time is it?" He looks around, confused. Wasn't Brian just here?

"Almost five. Your mom came by while you were out. She might be back later, depending on what you sister has going on."

"Yeah, maybe you can call her. I'm not really interested in talking to her right now. She'll know why."

Deb looks like she want to comment, but nods instead. She probably know already what it's about. It's hard to surprise her.

Michael clears his throat and stands up to stretch. "I'm gonna get something to drink. You need anything, Ma? Coffee?"

"That sounds good honey, thanks. Can you give Brian a ring too?"

Michael nods. "You want something, Justin?" He asks.

"Why are you calling Brian? He was just here."

Michael shrugs."He wanted to know when you woke up. I think he's coming back. Do you want a tea maybe? Or something to eat? You missed lunch I think."

"I'm fine. But thanks."

"Alright. I'll be back in a few." 

Debbie waits to Michael's been gone a minute before turning to Justin.

"We are all pretty worried about you, Baby."

"I'm going to be fine."

"I know. But I don't like sitting by your hospital bed. And I've been doing it too fucking much."

"I'm sorry."

"Oh Sunshine, this isn't about that. I love you like you my own. I don't want you sorry. I want you well."

"I love you too."

"I know baby. I know." Debbie leans in and hugs him. "And you're too fucking thin. You little shit."

They both laugh as she smacks his cheek lightly. "You better let me fatten you up."

"I'd be scared not to."

"You got that fucking right."

"Thank you, Deb. For always being here for me. I owe you."

"Don't be silly. Family never owes family."

Michael comes back with drinks for all of them. Even though Justin hadn't asked him, Michael remembers the tea he likes and brought him one anyway.  
He also got cookies which Debbie insisted they dig into. 

After a few cookies and mild banter, Debbie pulls out a deck of cards from her purse. The three of them play gin rummy, Debbie crushing Michael and Justin with ease, repeatedly.

"If it isn't my three favorite people." Brian saunters into the room at six-thirty. He's changed out of his suit from the morning. And Justin can't help but appreciate how good he looks in jeans.

"How's our little patient?"

"Losing." Debbie looks much too pleased with herself.

"Has the doctor been by again?" Michael shakes his head as he throws his cards down with disgust. "Jesus, Ma. You won. Let us go with some dignity."

"That's good. I want to ask some questions." Brian replies as Debbie cackles.

"I can ask my own questions, Brian."

"Sure you can, Sunshine. Where will you be staying then when he releases you?"

"Daphne's. Obviously."

Brian looks surprised at the answer. But Debbie interjects before he can say more.

"I gotta couple questions for your doctor too, Sunshine. I want to make sure I know when you really can come back to work. I'm sorry to say I can't trust you to tell me the truth." 

"See? Mama Debbie has questions too."

"Have the two of them always be like this?" Justin looks to Michael for support.

"I got hit by a bus once. I think they've actually mellowed a little."

"Bite your tongue, Mickey."

"Mellowed my ass." Adds Deb.

Michael laughs as he stands up, looking for his coat. "I actually need to head out. Ben and Hunter are waiting. And Melanie asked me to call her. She wants to meet sometime this week about something. Are you gonna be alright getting home, Ma?"

"Yeah sweetie, Carl's gonna pick me up when he gets out in an hour or two."

Michael kisses his mother goodbye and surprises Justin by leaning over to give him a hug. "Feel better."

"Thanks." Justin whispers.

"Bye, Mickey. Be good." Brian grabs Michael's arm and pulls him in for a kiss. 

"Bye, Brian." Michael pulls on his coat, hat, and scarf. He heads out with one last wave.

"Have you eaten?" Brian asks while taking his place in the now vacant chair on his right.

Justin shrugs. "Cookies. I might have missed lunch."

"It looked like shit, from what I saw." Deb says.

"Fucking hospitals." Brian doesn't look happy, but Justin couldn't care less. He wasn't that hungry either way.

Just as Brian is about to hunt down something edible for the three of them, his doctor walks in more hurried than before.

"Good evening, Mr. Taylor. You're looking even better. So the good new: fever's down, oxygen levels are up. The bad new: the anti-seizure medication is causing some unnecessary stress on your heart that we are going to have to monitor carefully. I think it should be fine, you adapted to the medication before. But in your weakened state, we are going to keep you through the week, like I mentioned earlier."

The doctor finally looks. "Any questions?"

"What kind of stress on his heart?" Brian's tone is curt.

"His pulse has been up, and he's already stressing his system to get enough oxygen. We are going to watch him carefully over the next twenty-four hours. As his breathing continues to improve, I suspect the problem will take care of itself."

"And if it doesn't?"

"Let's climb that mountain if we get to it."

The doctor says a couple more things about different medications to try but Justin can't find it in him to listen. He's stuck here for at least another day. He can pay better attention later. 

Debbie looks worried. "I don't like that heart thing." She says after the doctor leaves.

"It's fine. It happened a little the first time too. It got better."

"Your mother never said anything."

"It's a side effect of a really strong medication and breathing shit. It will be fine. And if it's not will just go through the list of other similar medications."

"You're allergic to a lot of that shit." Brian looks worried too. Or as worried as he ever looks. Slightly furrowed brow. 

"They'll have a lot of shit to try."

Hopefully.

++++++++++++++

Debbie leaves after Brian gets them all some pasta thing. They didn't even look what the dinner cart brought in. The smell told enough of that story.

"Thanks for dinner, sweetie. Almost as good as my ziti."

"Yeah, the cat meat gives yours that extra special touch."

She cuffs him on the head. "Asshole."

"Bye, Sunshine. You be good for the doctor. And try to call your mom. You know she's trying to do what's best for you."

Her hug lasts longer than usual. "I love you baby."

"Love you too."

She makes sure she has her purse and crossword, then she's out the door to meet Carl in the lobby.

"Alone again at last."

Justin snorts and shifts to face him. He has things to say. And now is as goof as time as any. 

"Brian, there is no way I can repay you for all think. You've been amazing. And I am beyond appreciative."

"But?" Brian says the word slowly and with more than a hint of sarcasm.

"No buts. I just want you to know- I'm going to be fine. I know you practically had to hold me hostage to get here, but I'm here. And it's going to alright now. I'm going to get better And you don't have to keep feeling..." he pauses, trying to think of the best word. "Responsible."

"What the fuck are you blathering on about?" Brian has moved from sarcastic to angry.

"Look maybe this is coming out weird. Or I'm saying it poorly. But I have to say it. I know you feel bad about what happened at prom. And you shouldn't. Ever. If I mess up my dosage, if I can't get past this to take care of myself, it's on me. I made the choices that led me here, and I made the choices that led me there. To prom, I mean. This is all on me."

"Sunshine, you need to shut the fuck up now."

"No. I think you need to hear this. Whatever guilt you feel, whatever you think you owe me. Let it go." Justin pauses when Brian stands up angrily. "And if that makes you realize you never had any...or felt anything else about...me. Or if you did but it's gone. Let me go."

Brian turns and stares the door for a long moment.

He spins back around and makes eye contact, his face empty of emotion. "Where's Ethan?"

"He's at work."

"Don't lie to me, Sunshine." The corner of his mouth turns up to a bitter smirk.

Justin wants to scream in frustration. This isn't going they way he wanted.

"Fine, he's gone. He left. He got one look at this and caught the midnight Red-eye to Paris. My mom probably bought the goddamn ticket. And he should. You should to. Get away from this fucking joke of a life." He gestures to the IV and oxygen tubes.

Justin stops to catch his breath and avoids looking at Brian. His outburst is heavy and deafening between them. 

"I tried that. It didn't work."

Justin lifts his head, surprised to hear Brian's voice.

"I don't know if this has anything to do with you getting your head bashed in or not. Maybe I never will. Frankly, I don't care. But I do what I want to do, and I go where I want to be."

"You don't deserve this."

"I don't give a shit about what anyone deserves. I care about what I want. And I want you, Justin."

"Why?"

"Fuck if I know."

He has no idea what to say to that. He never left Brian because his feelings for him stopped. They just stopped feeling like enough to hold them together.

"You don't have to stay. I'm only going to sleep. You must be tired." 

"What did I just say? If I stay, it's because I want to stay. So shut the fuck up."

Brian leans in and suddenly they're kissing. 

Most people wouldn't hook up with their ex in a hospital bed less than ten hours after breaking things off with a serious boyfriend.

But Brian and Justin aren't most people. And they aren't very good at doing things like 'most people'. 

+++++++++++++++


	5. Chapter Five

The next couple of days pass by in a haze of medication and concerned visitors. Deb force feeds him a variety of "high calorie options", and Michael stops by a few times with Ben to play cards and yahtzee. It's a like the first few days after he woke up from the coma, with one key difference- Brian is there every night.

The medication makes him weak, and his body is taking it's sweet ass time adjusting.

"How's he been?"

Justin hears Brian come in and whisper to Lindsay who spent the afternoon with him. 

"Tired. But he seems better."

"Did the doctor come by?"

"Yes but not for long. They only talked for a few minutes, and I stepped outside for it. Justin said it was just medication things."

He wasn't lying when he told her that, he just didn't give her the whole picture.

The doctor is worried about his heart over-working while his lungs improve. Which is being exasperated by the anti-seizure medication being reintroduced into his system. 

This wasn't new information. His lungs just weren't getting better fast enough.

But Lindsay doesn't need to worry. 

And the doctor said the risk of heart attack was pretty low for someone his age. Even with his checkered medical history. 

It seems like his entire life, recently anyways, is just him weighing the odds. Medication or rent? Food or electricity? Seizures or heart attacks? 

"You can head out. Gus and your wife are waiting."

"Hmmm. It's amazing how you can make the word 'wife' sound like an insult."

Justin hears Lindsay moving around, looking for her coat and gathering her things. He should say goodbye.

"Hey there!" Lindsay smiles when she catches sight of his eyes open. 

"Hey," his voice is groggy. He must have been asleep longer than he realized. He can't remember when he drifted off. 

"I'm just heading out, but Brian is here now."

They haven't told anyone that they're...whatever they are. It appears she's picked up on it anyway if her knowing look is any indicator. 

"Thanks Lins. This was great. I appreciate you keeping me company in this shitty place."

"Nonsense. It was my pleasure."

She gives them each a kiss and heads outs, leaving only the scent of her understated perfume.

"What'd the doctor say?" Brian breaks the silence after Lindsay's footsteps fade.

"Not much."

"Justin."

"Nothing we haven't already heard. Same thing. Better but not great. Risk increases everyday with lowered lung function blah blah blah..."

The look on Brian's face is difficult to interpret. A simple answer is worried.

But Brian is anything but simple. 

"How much longer can we wait?"

"Few days. He said after then we'll have to consider the risk of a seizure if we stop the medication to protect my heart. You know the drill."

Brian lets out a long sigh.

"Good thing you got yourself involved in this party again, huh?"

"Shut up."

Justin stares at his face. Brian looks worn. This shit would wear anyone down. And Brian...he's not one to do well under emotional and physical strain. 

"You should go home tonight. You're tired."

"Fuck off, Sunshine."

"I'm serious."

"So am I."

"You can't spend every night here. I'll be alright alone."

"How about we focus on either you imminent heart attack or your impending seizure, and we'll worry about my bedtime in the future."

"You're so goddamn annoying. Can't take any advice or suggestions. It's like I talk to myself."

"Says the person who's obsessed with me."

"Was obsessed. I've matured. And I'm not the one who won't go home. Who's obsessed with who?"

"Still you, baby. You can't take your eyes off me."

Now it's Justin's turn to sigh. And change the subject. Best to cut off Brian's ego early.

"Daphne says it's ok for me to stay with her."

Brian raises his eyebrow, giving him an inquiring look, smirk firmly in place. 

"Is she prepared to have a dehumidifier run around the clock?"

"Yes."

"Vacuum everyday?"

"Yes."

"Help get you to your doctor's appointments?" 

"Yes."

"Have the furnace filter cleaned and checked regularly?"

"Yes."

"Fuck your brains out every night?"

"Ye... we're still working out the kinks."

"I could provide those kinds of kinks."

"We've tried that."

"You've matured. We can try again."

"Because all our problems were about my maturity." Justin replies rolling his eyes.

"Glad we agree on that."

"Look you're not going to change. And I don't want you too. It took us a long time to get here. Let's not rock the boat with forced cohabitation five seconds after we...whatever we did."

"Sucked face on your hospital bed?"

Reunited after a lengthy and painful separation only a few hours after his current boyfriend left him. But whatever. Semantics. 

"That's one way to put it." He mutters in reply. 

Staying with in the loft would be a mistake. He knows that. Brian could change his mind two minutes after he moves in the air purifier.

Better to tread lightly.

And give them both time to think.

"I'll be fine with Daphne. You'll thank me."

Brian doesn't respond but gestures at him to move over, joining him once again on the bed, and as always, making himself comfortable next to him.

"Tell me again, what happens if they decide to take you off this medication?"

The crux of the goading and nagging comes out. They've gone over this countless times but it seems like Brian needs to hear it as a way to reassure himself.

Or as a way to prepare for any outcome.

"We wait until I'm breathing better and try again."

"And if you have a seizure?"

Justin shrugs, trying to appear casual. "I've had them before. It'll be fine. My hand will just be shit for awhile." 

Good thing he fucked up so badly that he's already dropped out of school. After all this, they'd probably kick him out.

His head rests naturally against Brian's chest. And Brian's arm moves around his shoulder, dropping a kiss onto his hair.

Cuddling is definitely not in the Brian Kinney handbook.

Or that's what the masses think.

 

++++++++++++++++++++++++

 

Justin's oxygen levels rise slowly over the next two days. 

His improvement is not fast enough, but his doctor decides to release him because the longer he stays, the higher the risk of infection. And an infection might actually kill him this time. 

But there are no more talks of a ventilator. So overall it's a win.

He's been avoiding his mom. Their relationship has been so up and down over the past year, and he's just tired. Tired of having to constantly defend himself and his decisions, even the fucking horrible choices he's made. He can only imagine the fuck ton of shit he'll get for starting up with Brian again. Let her rage to Deb. He needs to just survive this fucking winter.

He loves her but her interference needs to stop. He needs to live within his own messes.

"You ready, Sunshine?"

He's never been more fucking ready to leave a place, except maybe the first time he got out of the hospital.

But he's feeling a lot more sane now, so he can really savor it.

It's Sunday, and it's late. Brian bullied the doctor into letting him out tonight instead of tomorrow. Conveniently, that means Justin is going to have to stay at his place because Daphne isn't expecting him, and he still needs to get that bed for her spare room.

"Got the air purifier all ready for you." Brian gives him a lewd wink as Justin pulls his coat over a large hoody. He's bundled enough to head into Antarctica. Emmett had really gone overboard in packing him some warm clothes.

"Yeah yeah. I'm only staying tonight. You don't have to go to any special trouble. I'm sure it'll be fine."

"Sure Princess, you're low maintenance."

"I am. I'm fine."

Brian snorts. "I'm tired of that word."

"What word?"

"Fine. I'm not sure you understand the meaning."

"I'm great then."

Brian's face hardens, but he leaves it. 

The paperwork takes another ten minutes, and Justin is keenly aware that Brian is the one paying for this, complicating their already complicated relationship. Luckily, they lived together for almost a year and have plenty of people to witness to their arrangement. So it was fairly easy to get his lengthy stay partially covered through Brian's insurance.

That's what Brian told him. Justin isn't sure it's the truth. But he's believing it. For now.

The roads are snowy and empty as they drive to the loft.

It feels weird to be here now, like this. The hospital was a cocoon, a pause from from the world they actually inhabit.

A world where they don't fit together. 

"Stop thinking so much."

He's yanked from his thoughts by Brian's voice.

"I'm not."

"I can hear from over here. You're going to give yourself a headache."

"Lucky for me, I've had a headache for over almost a year so I'll survive."

"Is that a comment about your bashing or a stab at how long we've been 'involved'."

"Nice how it works both ways, huh?"

"Little shit."

Justin rarely sees Brian like this, happy and with him. Completely. It makes Justin happier too. But it also makes it that much harder when things inevitably go the other way. 

"It's weird when you're like this." The words pop out of his mouth before he can stop them. The medications he's on leaving him slightly looser tongued than normal. His filter is shit right now.

Brian freezes. The smile leaving his face. "Like what?"  
His voice is tense.

"I don't know." Justin tries to back away. This is too deep for a night like this.

"Now Sunshine, if this is going to work, we need to be honest with each other." There is a hint of sincerity under the mocking tone.

"Happy, I guess. It's weird when you seem happy."

Brian's face goes blank as Justin stares at him intently from the passenger seat.

He knows Brian has another side to him, this happy carefree side he sees sometimes. He knows Michael sees it too. But Michael is in the position to avoid the backlash. Because Michael doesn't have to push Brian like Justin does. 

And Justin was stupid enough to think that he could force his feelings aside and be done with this struggle.

Obviously, he was wrong. Fucking loving the bastard got in the damn way.

"What the fuck is that supposed to mean?" Brian snaps after the pause. No longer blank but angry.

"We really shouldn't be doing this now."

"I'm happy."

"I know you are. I was being crazy."

"Well, you were saying something so just spit it the fuck out, Justin."

This is a fun corner he's backed himself into.

"Jesus. Fine. I feel like we both get so caught up in ourselves when things are good that we do and say stuff we don't really mean, and then we lash out irrationally and sabotage anything that was there, but then we are never brave enough to end it completely even it that's what we want."

"You're saying 'we' but I'm hearing a lot of 'you'."

Brian stops the car in front of the loft and they both sit in silence for half a moment.

"Wow, this pneumonia is making me tired. Let's get some sleep." The false cheer in his tone does nothing to break the tension.

"Stop fucking around."

Apparently they're not done here.

Justin sighs. It wouldn't be them if this wasn't as awkward and painful as possible. Might as well get it all out there.

"I always feel like I'm one step away from you deciding that I'm still that seventeen year old virgin you can't get rid of. And I never know what or when it's gonna be with you."

Brian stares at him for a long moment.

"That's bullshit."

"Nice, glad we took the time to clear the air." Justin mutters through clenched teeth.

"You left me."

"You drove me out!"

"Then you fucking move in with a twenty-year old violinist."

Justin opens his mouth to say something about hookers, and Brian never trying to get to know him outside of sex, but something stops him before he gets out the first word.

"I love you."

Brian looks at him in surprise, stopping whatever he was about to say.

"I know you don't really value that. But I do. And that's why I'm here. It's why I'll always end up here. And I'm sorry about Ethan. I won't belittle my feelings for him, but how I feel about you- there is no comparison. Even if I tried to make one. "

They sit in silence.

Justin closes his eyes, waiting for the response he knows will never come.

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++


	6. Chapter Six

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Things get kinda sexy, so be warned. I upped the rating to Explicit.

"I don't just want you. I need you."

Justin turns his head in surprise to hear Brian's voice so soon after saying such emotionally charged words.

"Michael has made it his life's goal to tell me that it's not enough to want someone. Deb's pretty good at making that case too. And they're right. I don't just want you. I need you. I want you more than anyone I've ever had. I tried to let you go. I failed. I can't lose you." Brian pauses, taking a breath. 

"So come just inside, get in my bed, and stop being a little bitch." He slams open his door. Grabbing Justin's bag from the back.

Justin rolls his eyes, but opens his door. He'd be stupid to stay in this car any longer. It's fucking freezing.

Maybe 'I love you' is overrated. He's had plenty of people say it. He should feel grateful, not put upon. Brian is willing to do everything for him. And he wants him. So there it is. 

The loft is warm and the air purifier is already set up, Justin notices after they go silently through the steel door. 

All of his stuff is here. 

"I had to get it from Ian's, and Daphne was in class."

"Thank you."

"Anything for you, Sunshine."

There have been a lot of times Brian has said or done shit like this for him. He likes to make a joke of it. 

Maybe a large part of their problem is that Justin lets him. Acts like it's nothing because it's what Brian wants. But then Justin starts to believe it. 

"I'm serious. You have done so much for me, and I'm fighting with you in the car over some need for a declaration."

"I've done a lot to you."

The guilt. Again. 

"I hope that's not your motivation."

"Fuck you." Brian's eyes are dark and momentarily unreadable.

Before Justin can apologize, Brian's on top of him. Their mouths are together, and he feels like he's drowning in an intense burst of arousal.

He forgot how controlling Brian is in these moments. He fucking missed it.

"You ok?" Brian gasps out as he strips off Justin's coat and sweater.

Justin rips his mouth away, and Brian attacks his neck, nibbling in all the best spots.

"Sexual activity was not on the no list. But organized sports and running are not recommended."

"The team will be so disappointed." He tugs Justin's t-shirt over his head. 

"Fuck..." Justin moans as Brian pushes him up the steps and toward the bed.

"That is the general idea."

Brian lays him out on his back. Has this bed always been so goddamn huge?

"You're so fucking gorgeous."

Justin feels his face flush. Brian has never been one for such desperate endearments. 

His hands are pulling down his sweatpants, keeping his control over Justin as he becomes more light headed with lust. 

"No underwear? Kinky, Sunshine."

"You didn't bring any for me, asshole...oh god," Justin's cut off as Brian's hand skirts over his length.

"Has it been awhile, baby?"

"Jesus, please..." Justin whines has Brian continues to ghost his hand over him, not actually touching him or granting any relief.

"What do you want, Sunshine?"

"You!"

"Hmmm...well I'm right here, I'm gonna need you to be a little more specific."

He's suddenly painfully aware that he's completely bare while Brian is smirking and fully dressed.

"Brian!" 

He starts grabbing at his shirt and pulls him in so he can smash their mouths together once again.

"Take this off," he keeps pulling at Brian's clothes.

Brian grabs his wrists and leads the direction of the kiss. He puts Justin's hands above his head, holding his smaller wrists with a large hand.

"Patience, Sunshine." He leans back ruffled and smiling. "Keep your hands there."

Justin nods, his chest heaving, as he tries to catch his breath.

Brian starts carefully unbuttoning his shirt. He gently pulls if off and tosses it to the side. 

Justin's finger twitch with the urge to reach up and touch his ridiculously perfect body. 

He's laying before a fucking god. 

"I want to fuck you, are you up for that, Sunshine?"

"Yes, god yes."

"Good, you look so fucking perfect." Brian is kissing him again, hands wandering down his side, touching him all over.

His head is cloudy with the dueling sensations as he bucks up against Brian, rubbing himself against the rough denim. Moaning at the feeling.

"Do I have to tie you down?" Brian chuckles as his hands hold his hips.

"Get on with it, and we won't have a problem."

Brian backs off him despite his whine at the loss. He reaches into the table by the bed, grabbing the lube.

"When's the last time you did this?"

"I don't know, a couple weeks." He's struggling to keep his hands in place.

"Did Ian fuck you better than me?"

Brian is suddenly back on him, his hand loosely around Justin's throat. His fingers rubbing over the delicate skin.

"Never."

He nibbles at his ear, "how did he fuck you, Sunshine?"

The hand wanders down, wrapping around him, stroking at maddening pace.

Justin groans and tries to thrust into it.

"I....I don't know."

"Was he slow? Fast? Did he give you what you needed?"

"Please, Brian!"

The need for more friction, more anything is overwhelming him.

"Answer the questions."

"Slow, I guess, please Brian, I want you. Please fuck me."

Brian growls low in his throat, and the lube cap pops open.

"I bet it was slow. On fucking rose petals." Brian mutters darkly, and Justin's reply is cut off as he gasps in relief, feeling a prodding finger at his entrance.

The finger gently breaches him, and Justin pushes back against it, needing more.

"Faster, more."

"I thought you liked 'slow'."

"God, just more please."

Brian's fingers are long and smooth as he enters a second one, playing with his body inside and out.

"You like it like this, don't you Sunshine? Fast, hitting you right where you need it. No one knows you like I do, no one can make you feel like I do."

"Yes!" Justin cries out as a third finger is inside him. 

Brian speeds up his space, gently searching for that spot inside of him.

Pleasure sparks as he feels the finger stroke inside of him. His pleasure mounts as he nears his release. 

Brian pulls back. "Not yet, Sunshine. Wait until I tell you." 

Justin whines as the fingers leave him. 

Brian smoothly raises his legs up over his shoulders. He hears a zipper finally go down, and his anticipation builds.

"Tell me what you want, Sunshine."

"You...just you." Brian meets his eyes and leans in for a deep, open mouth kiss that makes Justin pant. 

He waits a long moment before ripping open a condom and lining himself to Justin, then he slams into him. 

Justin cries out in shock and pleasure.

Brian sets a fast pace, hitting him in all the best ways. He hasn't had any sort of sexual release since he's been sick, and he's embarrassingly close to slipping over the edge after a the first few thrusts that hit his prostrate perfectly.

"I'm close...I gonna..." Justin nears the edge.

"Wait." Brian's tone doesn't leave room for question. 

"I...I can't..."

Brian stops his movements, pulling him away from the edge.

"No.. please...I need..." he tries to buck up into Brian to keep him moving. 

Brian doesn't move, but starts nibbling at his neck again, fingers pinching at his nipples, keeping the pleasure bursting.

"I'm gonna keep fucking you, Sunshine. But you're not gonna come until I say. And it's gonna be on my dick alone."

Justin groans, moving his head to give Brian more access.

"You understand?"

"I..."

"Not until I say."

"When you say."

"Good boy."

Brian starts thrusting again. They haven't done something this intense in a long time. 

And Brian's right, Ethan did like the rose petals. He never knew how to play with Justin like this.

It doesn't take long for the pleasure to start to build again. Justin's hands a wrapped in the sheets, burning to reach down and jerk himself off.

"Are you close?" Brian's voice is in his ear as he builds up his speed.

"Yes! Please Brian...I need..."

"I know what you need."

Brian is hitting that place inside him with every thrust, and he's desperate, trying to hold back.

"Oh god, I can't please...please let me." His gasps are high and needy, he needs it so bad like this, it almost embarrasses him.

"That's my good boy. My good, Sunshine."

He's so close he's choking on it, trying to hold off.

"Come." Brian whispers it into his hair.

His body tightens, and he keens loudly as he bucks up into his release, untouched. 

Brian grunts as his body tightens around him, releasing into him. 

They lay there panting. 

Brian collapses, his head in his the hollow of his neck, still kissing as Justin catches his breath.

He mumbles something. Justin didn't quite catch it, but he knows the meaning.

His eyes drift shut, too tired to keep open.

He's lost so much. Chris Hobbs took something from him. Brian's taken things too. So has Ethan. 

This past year has been a painful lesson. He should have done things so differently. Allowed people to be there for him and actually said the things that needed to be said.

He played with his health, his talent, and his dreams. Over pride.

But he didn't lose it all. He still has this.

He's still here.

And in this one moment, it's enough. 

It's a good first step. 

He can still survive.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So that's our show! 
> 
> I love writing these characters, but I'm pretty happy to be done with it. Please feel free to share any thoughts.
> 
> Thanks for reading! I'm sorry if it's not a particularly satisfying ending. I honestly don’t think there is one for this couple. It's good when there together, so that's what I went with.


End file.
